This might end up sounding like I have really gone off the deep end, but if so then so be it.
When Arthur had his 14th birthday, I swear I felt a shift in my universe. I remember having a conversation with Kurt one night around that time and I told him I felt like time was slipping away. I truly felt like I had not much time left to do whatever it is I am here for. Little did I know, my gut was right. My World, my Universe was indeed about to shift. Never did I think it would be the loss of one of my children that would bring those feelings to fruition.
When I was young, I always had a strong sense of there being more than just what we get here on this earth. I remember vividly feeling as though there were others around me that I could not see or hear. I just knew they were there. My faith in God was there but I always had issues with organized religion. We went to Church regularly, and I tried really hard to have that “faith” that so many people had. Slowly I began to feel that if I had to try so hard to find something then maybe it did not really exist. Fast forward several years to when Wolfgang was born. He was so sick, so close to death and any faith I did have was now gone. I fought for years with myself and my beliefs. I still had this sense that there was a guiding force, something far greater beyond what we see before us. I knew though for me, it was not to be found in a Church.
Then Arthur left. From that very moment when I found him I knew. He was gone from this earth in a physical sense. His body was no longer needed to continue his journey. I have said before It felt as if my son was just missing. I knew he was still somewhere, I was just not sure exactly where. Then There was the first time when I knew he was with me. I have had that boy stand by my side enough times to know it was him. And everything became clear to me. Life is ETERNAL! We are here physically for only a short time but we do not leave our loved ones when that time is done. Arthur is off with spirit, learning and growing, preparing for his next run at the physical life. But he is still here, with me.
Everyone has their own thoughts about what is and what isn’t. That is as it should be, something would be very wrong if we all thought the same way.
I don’t think you have gone off the deep end as you put it. What I do think is you have an indepth ability to know and feel what is about to happen in your life, sometimes thats good, sometimes not . It would be a wonderful thing if we could stop all the hurtful things coming our way, but we can’t.
Arthur will always be there with you Lann, he loved his family with his whole being. You above all knew that.
I totally agree with everything you have said. I am so sorry you lost Aurthur. My son, Sam, who died at age 18, is with me every day. I KNOW it, i don’t just believe it, I KNOW it. The day I am released from this earth to him, will be my very best day, EVER. I have always, always known I’d not live a long life. I’ve been saying it for years to just a few close people to me…there is an urgency….it’s hard to put it to words but I just know it. I am so grateful for every tiny kindness and beauty and WE ARE BOTH so fortunate to be awake enough to feel our sons with us. How do people survive that DON’T? I do not know. I would not. Blessings and comfort to you.
Thank you for your post! I am also sorry for your loss.. I hope you will find some peace and enjoy living. With mom’s like us telling our story maybe others will see that it worth going on. I know Artie would want me to use his story for a greater purpose. My heart will never mend from the loss but knowing he is with me at times helps so much..