Arthur, it’s mom.

Well I guess the melt down at Sears yesterday was really good for me. Today has been the most productive, peaceful day I have had since you left. I did still cry a few times today but I did not walk around in circles all day. Your dog thinks I am crazy because I cried the entire time I bathed her tonight. She is doing better now. We were worried there for a bit.. But now Izzy is eating and playing again. She still likes to be outside more now. Sometimes she looks off and wags her tail, and you can almost see a smile on her face. I can’t help but wonder if she sees you. So, we are nowhere near back to “normal” but we are healing, and slowly moving forward. I love you Artie and miss you every moment..

Daily struggles.

One of the things I fight with everyday is my anger. Sometimes it is directed at no one in particular, others days it is anyone that gets in my way.. Today it was all directly aimed at Arthur. Of all of my loved ones, I try the hardest to control my anger toward him. If by some chance he hears me, I do not want them to be angry words. Today he got lots of angry words. I felt like he left me alone today. Not that I am alone, I have lots of people around me that I know love and care for me. But it has always been such the routine to get things done with Artie by my side that I get lonely doing them on my own. There are so many things that come up that would be so much easier if he were here. Did he not realize how his leaving was going to change things? Did he at all consider the fact that I cannot do some things without him? Ughhh! Days like this I just want to scream! But instead I broke down in front of a total stranger, sobbing like a child.. Therapy comes in odd forms. She was very kind and gave me a hug.. I walked away with a smile to the heavens for the reminder that there are still loving caring people out there..

Emotional roller coaster.

Other than to not having Arthur here with us, the emotional roller coaster is the worst part of all of this. One day I do pretty well, the next I am a wreck! Some times it will go smooth all morning and then I fall apart at night. Or some mornings I just don’t want to get out of bed at all. I am emotionally exhausted most days. I have to keep reminding myself that it has been such a short time since Arthur left us. This feeling that there should be something I can do to fix it won’t go away. I have always been able to fix every problem that has come up. Not this time. Nothing I do will ever change what has happened to us. No amount of prayer, begging or dare I say deal making will bring Arthur back to us. I have tried it all. There have been times I still go to sleep at night thinking it has all been a horrific nightmare and when I wake up he will be in his room, getting ready to start the day. But it never happens that way. Sorry for the rambling. Just one of those days..

Bittersweet Day

Today we are cleaning out Artie’s room.. It has been hard but at the same time full of great memories and even some laughter. The boy definitely loved clothes! He had more clothes than most teen girls. The variety is what is so funny. Hippy clothes, pirate clothes, dressy stuff, preppy stuff and even some left overs of his dad’s from the early 90’s! His leather coat he loved so much will stay in the closet for now along with his pirate boots. He was so very proud of those boots.. We have a new member of the family living with us now. Jade, Wolfie’s girlfriend will be using Arthur’s room. I am certain he would approve. He loved her as much as the rest of us. I think he knew from the beginning how good she would be for Wolfie. So as we move to this next chapter of life I know Arthur is watching and smiling that we are still the awesome, close family we have always been.. With or without his clothes.. : )

Week 5

Every Sunday, probably for the rest of my life, will be the day I add a week to the time table.. There are days when it feels like months already and other like it was just yesterday. So many things run through my mind everyday. It is quite difficult to focus on the daily things I need to do. I get by because the little crap I used to be so concerned with I just let go of. The house doesn’t have to to be spotless, the yard will still be there if I don’t mow, and I can always find something clean to wear if I don’t catch up on the laundry. Losing a loved one should make you see how important it is to be grateful for every moment and live every moment to the fullest.

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