Every Sunday, probably for the rest of my life, will be the day I add a week to the time table.. There are days when it feels like months already and other like it was just yesterday. So many things run through my mind everyday. It is quite difficult to focus on the daily things I need to do. I get by because the little crap I used to be so concerned with I just let go of. The house doesn’t have to to be spotless, the yard will still be there if I don’t mow, and I can always find something clean to wear if I don’t catch up on the laundry. Losing a loved one should make you see how important it is to be grateful for every moment and live every moment to the fullest.
Weekends usually suck pretty bad for us. This one so far has been better. Beautiful weather, time with Wolfgang and his girl Jade and working in the garden. I only fell apart once this morning, a real improvement for me. I was sitting in the garden watching the hummingbirds and the bees going about their business. They were completely oblivious to my pain.. Watching them made me realize even the smallest things in life are sometimes the most significant! The situation still sucks at times but we are moving forward the best we can. Laughter is truly the best medicine!
It’s Friday morning. The quiet in this house if deafening. Not long ago Arthur’s alarm would be going off soon. I would love to hear him playing his guitar, or the piano. The constant tapping of him texting used to drive me insane, but oh what I wouldn’t give to hear that sound. Even an argument between he and Wolfgang would be music to my ears. The things I used to get so easily annoyed by are the things I miss the most! I always thought I appreciated the little things.. Now I cherish EVERY small moment of everyday that I have with my family. Every breeze that blows across my face, each moment of each day that I have left on this earth is a gift I will never again take for granted. I love you Artie…
I may not have told you enough how very proud I am of you… You are my son and my friend. You are my confidant, my guardian, my partner in crime and my constant. If I needed anything done, fixed or made you always tried your best to get it done. You have a smile that melts hearts, the spirit of a wild horse and the ability to make everyone feel their very best. I am the luckiest mom in the world. You are here with me always in my heart and I love you.
I have been thinking a lot about our life before Artie left us. We have been so blessed and fortunate to have been a homeschooling family. In the past several years we have traveled, met amazing people and spent so much time with the boys. Had they been in a brick and mortar school, we would not have these amazing memories. I can say Arthur and I had a great relationship. We were friends as well as mom and son, I knew him, really knew him. This may not have been the case otherwise. I am comforted when I think that he did not spend 8 hours or more a day away from us. Wolfgang would have had to go back to school soon after this horrific event had he been in the system. That would have been so awful for him. To have to rush his grief would not in my opinion have been healthy at all. So I am grateful to my husband more at this time than ever for working like he has to be sure I could always stay home with the kids. I still grieve for the loss and will forever but am truly blessed to still have the life I do.
Wolfgang and I got out of the house some today. We just kind of bummed around. Bought some mums for out by the garden for some color, hit a few resale shops and went for sushi. Days like this are usually hard because we miss doing things with Arthur and I know he would want to be skating somewhere today. I imagine that he is on a board with skating with amazing souls! 😊But it was nice to have some fun and laughter with Wolfgang. Working on our new normal is starting to feel more natural.
To all of you I say: Hug your kids, tell them you love them and how proud you are of them!! To myself I say: Breath and take in the life you have! It is still amazing!
Weekends are the worst for me. Our weekends have always been filled with activity. Either here at home doing yard work, working on the house or just hanging out. If not at home, we were out and about doing something. Especially Sunday’s. They were almost always spent at the park with our Amtgard group. Arthur looked forward to this all week. It is still hard for me to go. Arthur should be there. I found myself crying the majority of the day yesterday. Forty minutes of that was sitting in the parking lot at Target. I am not sure I will ever look forward to weekends again.
On September 14th, 2014 our lives changed forever. Our 14 year old son killed himself in the early morning hours. There was no warning, no apparent depression, we never saw it coming. Arthur was funny, happy, sensitive to others and always helping someone. He was smart, loved to skateboard, play guitar and piano. He was a member of Amtgard, a live action role playing organization. He was a son, a brother and an uncle. There was no note left for us, he did not give away his possessions. Plans were made for that day and he even took silly selfies in the mirror just hours before. We had no clue that he was having thoughts of suicide.
So here we go… This is our life without Arthur.